defining despair

By: Shelbi Henny

the true definition of despair 
is the complete loss of hope
and as the tears dwindle 
down my face 
i calculate the indifference
of the casualities 
ache in my belly as i drown
and press on 
when stinging 
from honey bees
collapse at each side 
of my lungs
that causes mild heart
attacks when realizing
the empties and longing
with constant tremors
convulsing as i lose
memory of common words
speechless when after 
your name is said i gasp
for air 
but the only thing 
filling is water
from crying 
though that becomes a 
routine
and though explaining
over and over 
yet i stumble upon 
finally saying that
i'm okay 
because when asked how
are you feeling 
i can't simple say 
despair 
because i promise 
the listener will
never understand 
what that truly means
for me