I remember feel like I was alone. I was house hoping, basically homeless. Working a full time job and a high school student. I felt so misunderstood and abandoned. I really didn’t have family I could go too. I was trying to keep everything intact because I didn’t have time to be vulnerable. And I felt even if I was to breakdown it would never matter, because no one would come help. I was at that teenage stage were you are discovering who you are, but the worst part I was forced to become an adult early. I began drinking to numb the emptiness and cover the demon of feeling unwanted. I drank everyday, and cried myself to sleep every night. I went and snuck into clubs every weekend. I hated to look at myself in the mirror.
One night I was drinking with my close friend, and at first we were just laughing and joking around until she looked at me and asked me, “What are you trying to hide?” I felt that the conversation had done a complete 360 and was taken off guard by her question, “What do you mean?” She put down her beer and leaned close, “You are trying to mask something. I’m doing the same thing, man. What you trying to cover that’s making you drink like this?” Instantly tears began to fall from my eyes. “I’m just ultimately heartbroken. I hate this feeling that no matter how hard I work I can never just get a break. I feel like from birth I was just destined for heartache.” She knew my story, so it was pointless to profess. She leaned back on the couch and said, “Don’t be like me. This drinking thing only numbs it for a second. The true therapy is to face it. And believe that all this you’ve been through is the concrete that is put to make you stronger. Solid. We never can determine the cards we are dealt. Though we must have faith that heartache is just a journey that leads us to ultimate happiness and a bigger plan. Believe in yourself and believe in the fact that no matter how many times life has tried to break you down you pushed through that shit and survived. You are stronger than you give yourself create. And the people that did you wrong or broke your heart are missing on the bigger picture.”
We all face an addiction to numb the pain that we hold so close to our bosom. We look for anything to be that temporary fix. And we chase it, only to create more destruction. I can honestly say it is hard to look at the mistakes and harm we add on to our internal pain. I cried writing this, because I remember that small speech she gave changed my life. You can not hold on to baggage and expect to progress. Why Me is not what you should scream. Everyone’s story is no greater than the other. We are all on a journey that builds us into superheroes. Everyday won’t be peaches and crème. The world will seem unbearable and painful, but the greatest lesson of it all is that you can overcome. And you can create the format to change your life, be better, and handle the cards that are dealt. Chose to live instead of subduing to numbing antidotes that can never fix those truths about you and your past. It all starts with you not accepting defeat.
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